In this episode. We chat about last year, our communication struggles, and few of our goals going forward into 2021.
What's your purpose with your spouse this year? Have you spoken about it? Have you spoken and made plans??
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January 25th - New Year New Purpose
Bryan: [00:00:00] welcome
[00:00:22] to season two episode eight of amplified marriage. This episode is new year new you just kidding. New year new purpose.
[00:01:02] Natalie: [00:01:02] Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage. I'm Natalie I'm Bryan, wherever you are, whatever you're doing. As you've heard us say before, grab a coffee, a tea, pop, get comfy. We are glad that you joined
[00:01:15] Bryan: [00:01:15] us.
[00:01:16] If you are with us today and you haven't had a chance to listen to last, the last episode that we had was on resetting your focus for this year, we are talking today about a new year.
[00:01:28] New purpose. And so we want to give you some tips and just have a conversation about refreshing your purpose for this year and maybe being specific. And did you know Natalie that 80% of new year's resolutions will fail?
[00:01:44] Natalie: [00:01:44] No, I thought it would be more than that.
[00:01:49] Bryan: [00:01:49] Why?
[00:01:50]Natalie: [00:01:50] Because I'm in that percentage and I think I just thought it, I I'm actually surprised that it's not more than 80%.
[00:01:58] Right. So for you 20 percenters who are making it work for you, like. Keep going or write a book or something on how well it's worked for
[00:02:08] Bryan: [00:02:08] 80 percenters. I haven't quite made it there. And one of the reasons that they fail is is that it's not specific. People do a broad goal. Well, I want to save money.
[00:02:19] Or I want to lose some weight. Right. But they never ever change their thought process. They don't change the, in a diet. This is an easy one because you know, it's January everyone's trying to diet is that oftentimes you don't see the change in a couple of months and you quit. Well, why? Yes, you faithfully went to the gym, but you didn't stop.
[00:02:38] You didn't change how you ate. You still kept eating fast food constantly. You still ate dinner out four times a week at different places. Instead of making home cooked meals, you're still eating that bag of Doritos by yourself in the dark at 10 o'clock at night, before you went to bed with a two liter of Coke, that's not changing.
[00:02:54] So because it's just a broad thing, you're thinking, well, I'm going to do these things, but you're not building the system to make the change happen. That's right. So
[00:03:00] Natalie: [00:03:00] let's, let's use that example of, and weight loss is so hard because. Oftentimes it takes, it takes some weeks. Take some time before you actually start seeing the results of the hard work you're putting in.
[00:03:13] And so applying that concept to marriage and how you're communicating, and then all of a sudden, you know, it's been a couple of months and you're not really seeing any drastic, you know, Loss in a good way, like weight loss in your marriage, you're not seeing any of those tangible results that you thought you were seeing in.
[00:03:36] A lot of people will just give up or it's not, i t's clearly not working or whatever. Some things take time. I remember in our earlier Especially in our earlier years, but throughout the 19 years that we've been married, how there's just been or not settings, but like habits that we create that we've been operating in for years.
[00:03:59] And to expect that the moment that like one time you do something that It's just a different approach to that. I'm upset because it didn't work or, or it didn't change my attitude right. From the get go. And, you know, we even get frustrated with the process because it takes time creating habits, take time, like healthy habits.
[00:04:22] Right. Especially when you've been working through unhealthy communicating styles or unhealthy boundaries, or just unhealthy Being unhealthy in general. I think it's foolish to think that it's an overnight fix
[00:04:43] Bryan: [00:04:43] and marriages is in that way, similar to trying to lose weight when you're on your doctor.
[00:04:50] Yeah. And a lot of people try and sprint when they should be a sprint. The marathon has said just running the
[00:04:55] Natalie: [00:04:55] marathon, right. Because again, we live in a fast food society where. We want it quick and we want it now. And we want it with the least amount of pain. Right. And for lasting results takes a lot of work and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and a lot of pain, right?
[00:05:10] Like changing one's perspectives, changing one's default patterns to be more healthy as your default pattern that takes work. And that takes a lot of self-reflection and a lot of. Like blood, sweat, and tears, because you know, you're working with, it's not just you, you're working with your right.
[00:05:31] Bryan: [00:05:31] And sometimes it's trial and error.
[00:05:35] Natalie: [00:05:35] We've tried all sorts of things that some worked better than others, like ideas.
[00:05:41] Bryan: [00:05:41] Well, and, and it's, it's kind of, you go into. You know, like James clear he's someone I've been reading the last few years or last year, and he has this the same that I've used with my team at church and my team. You don't ride to the level of your goals.
[00:05:55] You fall to the level of your systems. Right. And in a marriage, we oftentimes because we don't know any different build broken systems. Right. And sometimes in amongst that system. Yeah. There's some really good things that work really well, but there's this one thing that takes us off the side and that's why you have an opportunity.
[00:06:13] To refresh and just change and actually just refresh it, cut that thing off and then go us in a, in a straight path. It's like we were reading at a Bible study. God will make my crooked paths straight. Right. And so it, this is an opportunity for us, as we dig into this to really re redefine what you define or refresh our focus onto something that's that maybe we need to just make some changes in.
[00:06:39] Natalie: [00:06:39] So. What we're getting at is that it doesn't have to be a scary walk as far as like, well, I've set, I've said so many new year's resolutions and they've all just. I've never lived up to any of them, right? This is the year where you can shift that focus and shift that perspective. If, and maybe it's just a word change.
[00:07:03] Maybe it's not new year's resolution. Maybe it's just, it's a new year, new purpose, new year or new year new goal, or however, whatever slogan you want to use. To really help shift your perspective of this can be the year. If you've had unhealthy habits and we all have unhealthy habits, this is that time where it's like, you know, the word says he makes his mercies are new every morning.
[00:07:26] And so every day that you wake up is a chance to say today's a new day, K. Yesterday. I had some learning to do, and I had some growing to do. And today now we're going to apply that learning and growing, and we're going to. Different choices and hope and pray that it's a better outcome. And each day you build upon that eventually it's going to become a default.
[00:07:49] Bryan: [00:07:49] Well, that's right, because you're refreshing your pattern. You're taking what didn't work and then cutting that out and making and building into something that does work.
[00:07:58] Natalie: [00:07:58] Exactly. So the question I think we want to put out there is. What is your purpose for your marriage wherever you are for this year.
[00:08:12] And so think about that. And maybe it's a conversation. I hope it will strike up a conversation or it'll be a great journal entry for couples to really take the time to talk about what their priorities are this year.
[00:08:28] Bryan: [00:08:28] All right. So then if that's the case, why don't we just tear apart our last year? A little bit?
[00:08:32] Sure. So what is something like we always go into January. We do, we touched on a little bit last week. Let's dig into this. We always go into a year, like, Lord, give us a word for this year. Right. And what was your word for last year?
[00:08:48]Natalie: [00:08:48] My word for last year was
[00:08:49] Bryan: [00:08:49] deeper, deeper, and very actually mine was very much the same.
[00:08:53] It was deeper. We had, which is one of the only years we've ever had an almost 20 years of marriage. They've actually been the same word. And then this year, what is your this
[00:09:02] Natalie: [00:09:02] year? My word is rebuilt.
[00:09:04] Bryan: [00:09:04] Okay. And so when you hear that word rebuild, what does that mean regarding. Life
[00:09:13] Natalie: [00:09:13] or marriage. Right. So I think it's not just one facet.
[00:09:18] I think of it, of a diamond where it's got many facets to it. And so this isn't just a one shot rebuild while obviously the obvious word means to build again. Right? Yeah. I know that, but I think more deeply years ago the Lord had spoke to my heart that he was going to strip away. My ideas and my thoughts back to bare basics.
[00:09:45] And so any titles I thought I had any positions that I, you know, was owning, like my status was based on the position I held, not who God called me to be. And so he was stripping away those thoughts and those ideas to a bare bones foundation of who he. Called me to be in who his identity is for me and the purpose that he created me for.
[00:10:08]I am more than just a title I carry. Right. I am more than just a mom. And for a long time, I would justify I'm a stay-at-home mom now, but I work. Two part-time jobs and whatever, but at the time I left a nursing career and to be a mom and whenever someone would ask me what I did, I just felt so shamed for being a stay-at-home mom, because goodness knows that wasn't something you could put on a resume.
[00:10:35] And so I would justify that and be like, Oh, I'm a stay at home mom, but I was a vis for so many years. Like somehow being a mom, didn't qualify me as a human being. Right. I was only qualified by the title. I carried other job occupation that I did, or the leadership capabilities that I had, or I had to be, you know, in management or it couldn't just be a sales person.
[00:11:03] Right. I had to be something more. There you go. Right. So it was this idea that I had that. The only way that I could be successful is if I held a title behind my name. Okay.
[00:11:17] Bryan: [00:11:17] So, so then if you think that, are you used to think, cause I know you don't think that way? No, no. IO, what, what does that, what does success look like to you now?
[00:11:28]Natalie: [00:11:28] Success to me now is, are my children. Valuable members of society, are they contributing in a positive way? Are they loving people flaws? And all right, that to me is success, right? It has nothing to do with how much money you make. My children are my investment. Right, right. And so I want to pour into them because that's the next generation that's going to be leading.
[00:11:59] Right. Maybe our city or maybe our country. I have no idea, but that to me is success. Am I raising children that I'm going to be paying for their counseling later on because I've messed them up. Right. So in my. My own self in my life. That to me is success. Am I raising children who are caring and empathetic to other people and generous with their resources with their time with their money.
[00:12:26] That to me is success. So going back to the word rebuild upon that foundation that he's called me to, he is now rebuilding me to be the woman that he's called me to be. And so I'm a woman with many talents. And so, you know, I paint for those of you that didn't know when I sketch. And so there are, there are gifts that he's placed within me that I've kind of let go to the wayside because again, I needed, my focus was on something else.
[00:12:56] Bryan: [00:12:56] So here's, here's a question then is in your lifetime, is it wrong that your focus is on something else?
[00:13:06] Natalie: [00:13:06] Then on, well, I think it depends because if my focus is on. Yeah.
[00:13:11] Bryan: [00:13:11] But on, on those, like you said, on those talents in particular, those talents God's given you, like, you
[00:13:15] Natalie: [00:13:15] can really wrong with your focus being on, on a talent or a strength that you have.
[00:13:21] I think it becomes a problem if that becomes an idol. Right. And that's very good. Right. So for me, so that's one. Facet of rebuild. And the other thing for rebuild is, you know over the years we have been through a lot and we have lost a lot and there's a portion of that word in my heart that there's a restoring of.
[00:13:45] And so it's just, you know, God rebuilding and, you know, I had to learn I've been a Christian for a long time and I had to learn. How to accept the love of a father. And so it was. There's rebuilding all of that within my life, which is amazing, but there's also a deal of we're getting rid or we're taking down the old, what doesn't work in your life anymore, Natalie, what needs to be pruned away?
[00:14:14] What, what is not serving you in this season that I'm calling you to? What do you have to let go of? You know, as when you think of a Rose rosebush and you think of one, that's not pruned and you look at one that is pruned is thriving, right? And so what do I need to let go of in my life? What does God need to remove from my life so that he can then put in the right support system?
[00:14:41] Right. He can reinforce some of those shaky beams, I guess if we're, if we're likening it to a house foundation, right. You want sturdy. And
[00:14:53] Bryan: [00:14:53] like we've said this before, so there's purpose in the pain. Right. And in the process of rebuilding, a lot of times there's a lot of pain involved. And like, if you think about anything that you're having to rebuild, if you're having to rebuild like muscle back to the weight loss thing, if you're having to rebuild muscle there's pain, that's involved in doing that.
[00:15:12] And there's a mind shift and a heart shift and a transformation from the inside that has to happen before you can actually eat like. You're actually at a place now where you can accept the changes that God has for you and heal those wounds. Walk through the, the, the injuries that you've incurred over the years
[00:15:30] Natalie: [00:15:30] that have been spoken over me, maybe you're listening and you're like, geez, like No one is speaking life into me, right?
[00:15:37] It's always criticism and it's always belittling. I hear you because a lot of my life had been that. And so I think there's an element of listening to like, Lord, what are you saying about me? What are you speaking to me about me? And rebuilding those thought processes and rebuilding those foundations of confidence.
[00:16:00] Right. That I'm a loved that's good. That's really good. So again, like rebuild has many, and you might think of rebuild in a totally different way. And I encourage you that if you're like, Hey, that really strikes a chord with me, dig into that, pray about it. What is God's speaking to you about you in that, but again, my word is, yes, God's doing something in me individually, but what is he wanting to rebuild in our marriage?
[00:16:26] Right. So, I mean, that is something that we're pressing through and we're working through and setting goals for, what does that look like for our marriage? What are we wanting to rebuild?
[00:16:37] Bryan: [00:16:37] Yeah. And sometimes even the conversations that we have, sometimes they. It takes time to really drill down and pray through it, pray through it separately, pray through it together, read through it with your friends.
[00:16:49] Right. But just to kind of get where you're like, okay, every focused I've refreshed this. We're gonna, we're gonna move this in
[00:16:56] Natalie: [00:16:56] direction. Right. And then ask your spouse, like, if like my words rebuild, what does that mean when you think of that word?
[00:17:03] Bryan: [00:17:03] I don't because that was
[00:17:05] Natalie: [00:17:05] your word right though.
[00:17:06] That's what I mean. Right, right. Like Adam spouse. Yeah.
[00:17:09] Bryan: [00:17:09] I don't think of your word. I, I think the way that you've explained it, because we've had these conversations numerous times about this, that was some, some of that was new insight. But I also think that that's, that's exciting because that's new insight that you're just learning that I get to hear and I get to share in with.
[00:17:26] Right. Right. So that's good.
[00:17:27] Natalie: [00:17:27] So, and then what was your word? And we do this every year. Like we, we really take a look at this past year. What was our word for last year? What was was a wind we'll get there with the winds and what can be improved upon, but your word was what? My,
[00:17:42] Bryan: [00:17:42] we were on a zoom call after church and everyone else had a word.
[00:17:46] Then they asked, Hey, pastor Brian, what do you have for word? And I was like, I don't have anything. So they all laughed. And I was a little like, Ugh. Lord, what's my word for this year. And then a few days later, just it came to me when I was driving, but it was pushed the breakthrough and I was like, well, that's a dumb.
[00:18:04] I want something better. Can I, can I, can I have a better word than push the breakthrough? I'm like, what does that mean? And even as we were, I've been thinking about this last few days and I've talked about it. There's some things in my life that I really want to get a handle on. One is my, my. I want to know more stuff.
[00:18:22] I want more knowledge. And so I got to really put myself in a position to learn more, to study more. I also want to really, really build discipline in my life. I'm trying to rebuild my sleep schedule and be effective at the gym. I was for quite a long time. And then, you know, things happened and I got away from it.
[00:18:39] And so that's really, and I, I feel when I'm. When I'm most disciplined is when I'm most effective. And so when I'm most effective, that means that effectiveness not only affects my job, it primarily, and first affects my marriage and then it affects my kids. Yeah. And so if I'm healthy and I'm disciplined and I'm studying, I study and I'm focused.
[00:19:00] That means I'm, I'm pushing past some of these things that are not the obstacles. They're not holding me back. They're just things that bug me. For me, like no one else. Right. It's just, it's in my way. Why can't I keep getting up at five or five 30? I want to get, I know a buddy of mine that he, he, he is one of the guys at our church.
[00:19:19] He's like, Brian, I'll text you at four 30 when I get up. I'm like, no, bro, that's, that's too early. I want to be, I want to get up early and be disciplined so I can study. I can read my Bible. I can pray. I can make breakfast, have that time and have that time. And that's something that I've really. It's been a real struggle for me to be able to consistently build that.
[00:19:38] So I'm going to push past it and I'm going to work hard at it. And some days I'm really good. And other days I get up at eight and it's just, it's, it's really, really hard for me. But in that little bit, it helps me be an effective leader. Right, right. And that means leading my house. But leading means leading my children, but it means also leading my, the people at my church on my team, it means leading the church.
[00:20:01]And it means supporting my pastor and my youth pastor. Like it means supporting all of these people and doing that well. When I can come to a place of being pushing past the thing, that's really, really holding me back. I feel like it's holding me back, right? No one else may look at it and be like, that's crazy for me.
[00:20:19] I feel like it's a real thing. And now Natalie knows, cause the alarm goes off every morning at five 30 and I stare at my clock and she gets upset and then I'm up and then I'm back into bed. I just, it's just been really, really tough the last few weeks. And so that's part of it, right. And so push the breakthrough is something that I've, I've been wanting to, I've been working on for a long time and I'm getting closer and closer.
[00:20:39] But the thing is, is even what I said before. I want to build the system in place, so I'm successful in my marriage for a long
[00:20:47] Natalie: [00:20:47] that's. Right, right. And push the breakthrough, maybe. In your marriage would be just whatever you feel that you've hit a wall. Right.
[00:20:56] Bryan: [00:20:56] We we've had an interesting year. Yep.
[00:21:00] Natalie: [00:21:00] That last episode where if we were to break down our year for us it wasn't all bad.
[00:21:07] Bryan: [00:21:07] No. And how did like. And it may sound counter-intuitive, you're listening to this whenever you're listening to this. And you're like, man, I can't believe they're saying they had a good year. We had a really good year.
[00:21:20] But I want to qualify that with, we had a really tough year because I was at home a lot more than usual. And so the first few weeks, maybe even a couple of months was like, it was like fantasy, like, Ooh, we're in a honeymoon. We're all together all this time. It's closed. So yeah. And then there is there's some, some.
[00:21:41] Differences in how we did things with the kids. And there was differences in time and there was differences in how we approached talking to you and being at home at, for long extended periods of time. And when I wanted to do dishes, versus when she wanted me to do the dishes, because I was at home
[00:21:56] Natalie: [00:21:56] and using, just not fell to the wayside, but that was not the priority the priority was.
[00:22:02] Bryan: [00:22:02] so we had to work through a lot of arguments and a lot of frustration and a lot of annoyances. Yeah. That we previously had never really experienced because I was usually, I'm usually up and out of the house by I'm up. And then I'm out of the house by eight 30 or nine, depending on the day, sometimes later.
[00:22:20] But, and we didn't
[00:22:21] Natalie: [00:22:21] know if you were going to have a job, right? Yeah. There was
[00:22:24] Bryan: [00:22:24] some real. And who knows what was going to happen at the end of it. And so it w we can come into 2021 being like, man, this was such last year was really good for our relationship. I've now closer to my wife than I've ever been.
[00:22:37] I'm closer to my kids. Me and my sons took up airsoft, me and my daughter. We usually do a snowflake ball every year and we go dancing and we can't do that this year. So we're going to go on a nice day. There you go. The
[00:22:48] Natalie: [00:22:48] improvising, we just have to charge. Yeah, or living in the moment. Right. And
[00:22:54] Bryan: [00:22:54] so we, we, we kind of decided there were some, some things that were really frustrating.
[00:23:00] Like we had a whole vacation plan, like two weeks of vacation to go up into Alberta and to do all kinds of things with our kids and birthday for my son and go to the dinosaur museum and the zoo and all this stuff that completely got shut down. We held on to hope. Up until the last. And so that was really, and so there was a loss of, you know, the kind of energy or flow because you were pretty upset about that one.
[00:23:21] And that one took a while. And so while we had a really great year, it was a really tough year. And then work was really tough, you know, pastoring through this whole thing has been a really spinach challenge that I never ever thought for when I started this, that I would be like, Hey, pastor Bernie, let's talk about it.
[00:23:37] Pandemic, like, let's talk about how we're going to lead through a pandemic. Like what do we do next?
[00:23:41] Natalie: [00:23:41] And the whole though, with the hospitals being on super precautions, which I'm grateful for on one hand, but on the other hand, all those people that like you can't
[00:23:51] Bryan: [00:23:51] visit. I wasn't even allowed to go in the hospital usually every month or every few weeks, sometimes depending on what's going on, I could be in the hospital, praying with someone talking to someone.
[00:24:01] I couldn't even meet people in the hospital to pray. They wouldn't let me in, even with my flashy Reverend card. Right. And so there was a lot of things that just looked so much different, but we had to. We had to shift our focus and look at it differently. And
[00:24:15] Natalie: [00:24:15] that again was part of pushing, or I feel like setting us up to push through the breakthrough this year.
[00:24:21] Bryan: [00:24:21] I don't, I think that if I wouldn't have had last year to show me how my plans are pretty much send through my fingers that this year coming up, knowing what's going to happen. It would be harder for me to take the sand and mold it into a brick and actually build strong foundations. Right. Right. I don't think that last year prepared me for this year.
[00:24:43] Natalie: [00:24:43] Right. I think when I think of pushing the breakthrough, this kind of image came to my mind of someone who's running a race. And I don't know if any of you have ever done track and field. But I have, and long distance running was my niche. And so as you're running, you're pacing yourself and you're not, you know, guns blazing right out of the block because you're going to tire yourself out.
[00:25:04] So you have to pace yourself as you're going around the track. But then the last, I don't know, maybe 800 meters. Or so, or 500 meters, you get this burst of energy because you see the finish line that's right. And you find, you dig, you are a doggone tired and you are your, every muscle hurts. And then, you know, sometimes it's a matter of, you know, looking over your shoulder with your peripheral vision and seeing someone, you know, creep up on you.
[00:25:32] You find this burst of energy because marriage is a marathon. And maybe you're like, we are, we see the finish line of breakthrough and up, and Adam let's go, let's dig in. Let's get that or find that burst of energy together so that we can then plow through that ribbon or whatever's at the end of that.
[00:25:55] Right. And that there's, there's a feeling of, I don't know if satisfaction is the right word here, but there is a, an exhilaration of. Rising to the challenge and overcoming it. Right. And so I encourage you and we're speaking to ourselves of, of really focusing on and listing out what are some of our challenges and how can we find that burst of energy?
[00:26:21] How can we push the breakthrough to what God's called us to so that I don't know, we're just not repeating this. Right. So
[00:26:30] Bryan: [00:26:30] if you're, if you're thinking about like, even we've given, there's a lot that we've talked about and we're, what is the, what, like one of the questions we had was what are you choosing?
[00:26:40] What is the reason that you choose to refocus or refresh? What is your purpose? Oh, great. What is your purpose with your spouse? This here we can. We've told you what we want to do this year, but what is your goal? And have you actually communicated that with your that's?
[00:26:54] Natalie: [00:26:54] Right? And then the intention. What do you, what do you hope to
[00:26:57] Bryan: [00:26:57] achieve?
[00:26:57] And then write it down and put it on paper and then share it with some friends. And so you have someone that's accountable to you with what your goals are this year.
[00:27:06] Natalie: [00:27:06] Like when you write it down and you see it on paper, how that, that goal that was once in your imagination then becomes
[00:27:14] Bryan: [00:27:14] it's this something along those lines.
[00:27:18] Natalie: [00:27:18] Look it up. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. But what's your intention. What's your objective? Moving forward with unified purpose. Right.
[00:27:27] Bryan: [00:27:27] And so just you, you want to. Everything points for us. It's always like Laura. We want to be closer to what you've called us to do. We want to be closer to you.
[00:27:37] And when I'm close to what the close to the Lord, that means I'm close to my wife. I'm better with my children and better with my job. And so that's really, we want to be closer in what God's called us to this year, right? Yep. If you really have been enjoying this podcast and we know that you have and means so much to us when you share, when you let people know about the amplified marriage podcast, you can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook.
[00:28:03] Yep. If you have a question or a topic, or you want to add to this podcast, if you have something you want to say or disagree with, we would love to hear from you. You can email firstname.lastname@example.org. And as you have heard us say many times before we believe that marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged.
[00:28:25] Thank you so much
[00:28:25] Natalie: [00:28:25] for listening. Talk to you soon. .