We are starting a new series called "Pick Your Poison".
Some behaviors in a marriage have a destination towards divorce.
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Criticism and Contempt
[00:00:00] lWelcome to season two, episode 13 of the amplified marriage podcast. Today, our title is pick your poison. We were talking about some dangerous things that can lead your marriage to divorce.
[00:01:12] [00:01:00] We're back. Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage. I'm Bryan I'm Natalie. We just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for hanging with us over this last month. Thank you for downloading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for listening. Thank you for still sending us those emails over this time.
[00:01:31] When we have been gone for about a month, if we haven't posted a new episode, that was intentional. We needed to step back. Take a break. Yeah, I think we just needed to re not regroup. We're okay. We just had a lot going on outside of the podcast. And just with work and stuff. And so we just needed to take that time and just refocus and refocus and kind of get refreshed.
[00:01:57] Absolutely. And in that time we have some [00:02:00] really great content coming up for you for the next little while. We have some new interviews coming. We have a what we're calling our pick your poison series. Oh, you might be wondering what on earth we're talking about. We'll get, we'll get to that in a minute.
[00:02:14] Okay. So in case you missed our last. Podcasts. I mean, we had to even go back cause enough times past that we're like, what did we even talk about? We talked about whether or not your relationship was on autopilot. Were you coasting that's right. Are you just cruising through your relationship thinking everything's okay.
[00:02:33] When at the core things just kind of might be a myth or you might be sort of interpreting them in a different way than what's actually happening in a relationship. So if you missed that one, I really encourage you to go back and listen. Be some great nuggets of information there for you. Absolutely. And so we did just mention our new series that we're going into is called pick your poison.
[00:02:56] I know it sounds funny. I know it's a weird title, [00:03:00] but over the last, however many years that Natalie and I have been coaching couples walking side by side with couples, praying with couples, couples, even our own journey, our own journey is filled with some things and there's, there's. Probably 20 negative things, 20 things that happen in a relationship that you should just stop doing or cut out of it or be made aware.
[00:03:24] I mean, it's like, it's like, if you don't know, you don't know what you don't know. And so we want to inform you, so the pick your poison is these are our six things, seven things, eight things who knows how many the list is going to be. But we have a few weeks lined up of, of. Poisons that we believe will ultimately leave our lead to divorce if left unchecked, if left unchecked, if left, not knowing if left in a place where it's just happening and sometimes these things have become, so you've heard us say this many times, these things [00:04:00] that we're going to talk about these next few weeks So we're, and we're just, we're going to be going two at a time.
[00:04:04] Yeah. The things that we're talking about these next few weeks are things that should be the exception, but can easily become your normal normal for a long time. Some of them were, some of them were, are normal for a long time. Some of them were. Things that happen once in a while, but not often, but still things that just needed to be done.
[00:04:24] Right. And let let's just, before we dig into what we're talking about tonight, you might be thinking, well, I'm not married. So like, how does the supply of this, this isn't the things that we're talking about. Don't just happen within marriages. They happen within relationships. And so that could be a work relationship as far as like employer to employee or family relationships.
[00:04:46]Friend relationships. So it's not just marriage, but there's some toxic communication patterns. There's some, some real trouble spots that we just kind of want to bring some light to. As far as you [00:05:00] know, these are the, the two poisons that we've picked tonight to talk about our criticism and contempt.
[00:05:06] And we're all too familiar with those two in our own personal life, but it's super important. We did a webinar. And so if you weren't able to connect with us on this webinar, we did two separate ones. We're in the process of putting them on the website. So make sure that you check that out.
[00:05:21] But one of the things that it kind of sparked a trajectory, I think for us, that we're like, we need to, I think, kind of go down this path and dig a little deeper and dig a little deeper because. You know, even as we were prepping and it was just, we were just spouting off toxic ways that toxic behaviors, I guess.
[00:05:42]And I'm like, good heavens, like we could do a whole entire series. And that kind of was like, pick your poison came out of that. Yeah. And a lot of our research tonight and some of the topics that we're talking about came from the Gottman Institute. Just want to give them props. Fabulous, fabulous couple that deals with all kinds [00:06:00] of subject matter.
[00:06:00]It's funny when we were doing some digging, we've coached couples for a long time now. And oftentimes when we, we get into doing some research, there's things that we've been saying, Hey, you shouldn't do this as a couple. Like, well, we'll use the word criticism or like you're showing contempt for your spouse.
[00:06:17] Like when you're getting your partner. But oftentimes you go to these, these places when you're doing study, trying to look, I want to know more about relationships so I can help more people. Oftentimes these, these places that, you know, psychologist or marriage counselors, they put labels and put names to some of the things that we've been sharing with couples for a long time.
[00:06:35] And so the first one we really want to the first poison is criticism. No, that's really a big one. Well, and oftentimes people. You know, you always in your mind when, as soon as we heard this one, or I heard this one, it was like criticism, Oh, it's your boss. You know, like you do a job and your boss immediate.
[00:06:54] He's like, yo, dad, everything wrong. You suck at your job. You can't do it. You didn't do the numbers. Right. Like [00:07:00] you ever watch movies. And that's how the critical boss is always like. And so it. That's the first thing that came to my mind was just the critical boss. Yeah. Critical boss, by the way. I'm just saying that.
[00:07:12] Not now, but in the past you have had in the past some really nasty bosses. Absolutely. And so criticizing your partner, criticizing your spouse is different than offering a voice of critique or even voicing like a complaint. Like, Hey. Like, whatever that complaint may be. There, the latter two are about a specific type of issue.
[00:07:35] So if I come to you with a critique, like, Hey, when we did this this, this, this kind of thing happens, and it's not a criticism. Yeah. You can tweak this to make it better, more of a critique or a complaint. The two are there about specific issues. That's right. And criticizing your spouse or your partner.
[00:07:56] It's. It's a straight on attack. Yeah. [00:08:00] At the, at the core of who their character is. So critique and complaint are different. They're both specific things. Whereas criticism being critical, having a critical spirit is at the core. And oftentimes when you're being critical, you're attacking your character.
[00:08:14] Yeah. So when you are being critical of your spouse or your partner yeah. You are, you're, you're criticizing who they are. You're trying to tear apart, their whole being and it's demoralizing. It really is. So the important part is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing. And so we pulled this off the Gottman website, so complaint.
[00:08:39]Here's an example. I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other, meaning phone. Each other criticism looks like this. You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe that you are forgetful.
[00:08:57] You're just being selfish. You never think of others. [00:09:00] You never think of me. You've heard us talk about the nevers, the, the the absolutes, like the, yeah, like taking those words out of your vocabulary because they don't leave any room for grace or mercy or forgiveness. They're just like, you never do this.
[00:09:18] And you've made up your mind already that you suck at this. And I would caution that if you're not careful, A complaint can turn into criticizing right quick. And I was just thinking of a story about this actually about the running late thing. When I was pregnant. Oh my goodness. Yeah. I am. When I was pregnant with, I don't think I've told this story.
[00:09:35] I don't know that you've told it or not, but I've heard it. Yeah, you heard it. So here's, here's how that, that slippery slope of like, complaining about something turned into criticizing you at the end of that. And I. Back then think I was right. And maybe there's still a part of me today. That's like, no, I was in the right, but I wasn't.
[00:09:54] Okay. So I was pregnant with our first born and it was winter [00:10:00] time and we had planned to go out on a date. Now you might not know who we are and kind of our we're on time. And we're on five minutes early. You're 10 minutes late. That's right. That's right. We're very on time. And so we had a reservation for whatever the time was and I was ready to go and this and that, and about a half an hour before the reservation you weren't even home and you should have been home by then.
[00:10:28] So I called your work cell phone and he was a delivery driver at that time. No answer. And I called his work number. So I called the cell phone. I called work, no answer. The store is closed. The business is closed. We're like, yeah, it's not so much like, Hey, I care about your safety right now. I care about the date that you said we were going on.
[00:10:54] And so no answer, no answer panic set in because we were running [00:11:00] late and our reservation was going to go to somebody else. I was so frazzled and maybe one of, you know, some of you would say, Oh, it's just pregnancy hormones or whatever. No, it was right. Cray, Cray. I phoned the hospital and I asked specifically if a gentleman by his name, Was brought in because of a car accident or anything like that, because I hadn't heard from him and this, that, and the other, and I was frazzled.
[00:11:29] They're like, no, ma'am, there's no one here by that name. I was. Oh, I was so close to phoning the car. I think I want to also bring this up. This is back when cell phones weren't as common as they are now. Not everyone had a cell phone in their pocket. In fact, we didn't even have a cell phone. I had a work cell phone.
[00:11:46] I need you to explain to our listeners that particular point. So he, his, the phone died, but that in my mind, here's where I went from. Hey, [00:12:00] I was scared. Yeah. I was terrified. I was over the top calling the hospital. I was this close to calling the RCMP and he walked, I think you walked in the door and I was crying and I was like, water.
[00:12:17] I think from, I don't know, we made our reservation. So it was like, sometime in that half an hour, he had made it home and I was bawling and I said, you never called me. And here I'm left thinking you're in a ditch somewhere dying. And, and we're not going to go on our date. Right. It wasn't, it wasn't about his, it was about the fact that he didn't call, which turned very nasty.
[00:12:42] It was like, how could you not think. That I would have been freaking out on this end with new, not phoning. Don't tell me that you couldn't have borrowed somebody else's phone. Don't tell me that. What was really going on? Were you actually working and on and on and on that narrative went, right? [00:13:00] So yes, they're two separate things, but I think you can slip into one right from the other really quick.
[00:13:05] And I think I need to point out to our amplified marriage. I wasn't going to say it like that, but that was not the only occasion in which Natalie had responded and said way because of her personality. There was another time where I called her at like five to six. And I said, Hey, I'm going to be home.
[00:13:23] We had a customer come in, pick up like 20 pieces, right. At six o'clock, which you know, you're not supposed to do, but he did. And it took us 40 minutes to get all the pieces on loaded on the truck. The F the cell phone again had died because technology was not that great back then cell phone diet, and the office phones were shut down.
[00:13:41] And I rolled in like seven o'clock and she had again after herself up, and it went from just being like, Hey, you remember when you were supposed to tell me, like, we made this decision together, we'll always communicate. Yeah. And it went into some pretty harsh never like you never call me. And I'm like, yeah.
[00:13:57] But I called you at five to six. So there's literally an hour ago, I [00:14:00] called you and said, I'm going to be running. Right. But see, my mind went to, he must've been robbed from the time that
[00:14:09] from the front door to his car in a well lit parking lot, he was mugged and robbed with other members of staff. That's right. Hey, so if you find that you are critical of each other, or one is more critical of than the other, this isn't like a. Necessarily like your relationship's going to fail or you're doomed.
[00:14:26] This is something to be aware of so that you're, you're consciously working together to fix it. Yeah. And we're going to give like tips in some, some ways like the Gottman Institute Institute calls it, the antidote. We want to give you that left unchecked. I mean, this one, this poison. Just flows into the next poison that we're going to talk about.
[00:14:49] And it's this kind of domino effect and that's where you end up in some troubled waters. And so the problem with, with being critical or having a critical spirit or being having [00:15:00] been criticism is that it become, I forget, speak English and becomes pervasive, or it can come through. It can become your way of life.
[00:15:07]It's a way. And what it does do is it actually begins the steps towards other deadlier, poisons or other poisons to have entrance into your relationship. And we want. To help you get away from them. It can make you feel like you've been assaulted or rejected and hurt, and as such your feelings and the decisions you make are based out of a rejection or hurt, or those harsh feelings, as opposed to a happy place or making good decisions, because everything is healthy and whole.
[00:15:36] And so the one that is sort of the perpetrator, I guess we'll call it that the one who's instigating, this kind of toxicity. There is the more that it happens, it increases in its intensity. And I think that that was that domino effect that we're talking about of it. Then leading [00:16:00] to the person to becoming contempt, like feeling contempt towards their partner, their spouse, their boss, their sibling, their family member.
[00:16:10] Okay. It begins to spiral out when you're being critical. That not if you're being critical of your spouse and it left, it's left unchecked, it'll eventually start to, to roll over into other things. That's right. And let me just say, like I have had, it said to me in the past with criticize people criticizing me.
[00:16:28] Oh, I'm just speaking the truth. And it's like, K, there is a way to speak to people, the truth maybe that isn't condescending. And critical and they don't walk away feeling worthless and devalued. And so I think that if you, if you're like, Oh, am I supposed, isn't really doing that? Just think of a time when someone was overly judgmental and just like their whole purpose was to rip you [00:17:00] apart, like one side up and the next side down and then leave you Sort of in a mess of a puddle of a mess.
[00:17:06] Yeah. Because a puddle, I mess up a puddle, I don't know, in a puddle, a puddle in a puddle. So if you've, if you're unsure, if that, if that's what criticizing is, I mean, that's how you're left feeling. Yeah. And so the antidote for this type of thing is to take the, the word you. Which is is very much a criticism thing.
[00:17:29] It's not a complaint. It's not, it's not, well, I think you're throwing Spears. When you start a conversation with you did this and you, you make me amplified marriage, family. I want you to listen to this and I want you to just maybe take a minute and think about the times of, you said I can use it there, have maybe done that with your significant other that's right.
[00:17:52] And in that moment, What was the, the heart of why you were doing that? Was it because you were trying to get them [00:18:00] to, you know, agree to your position or was it to get them to feel bad that they did something to you? Right? And so it goes from a use statement which, and it points the fingers and you're blaming.
[00:18:13] And we want in the antidote to change this to an I statement. So criticism will say this, you always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish now? That's an interesting one. You, you always, you are always the one that never does takes out the garbage. Yeah. You're always late. You're always late.
[00:18:30] You always eat the last piece of fish. You never phone. You never, always the one that has to phone I'm no, all your, I always have to. You always, you never initiate sex. I'm always the one that has to do that. Okay. So the criticism says criticism is you're pointing the fingers and you're saying, you, you're not starting.
[00:18:48] You're starting that already with blame laid at their feet, even though they've not even had test to say anything, the antidote is I'm feeling left out of our talk tonight. And [00:19:00] I have things I need to say, can we please talk about my day? Yeah. And so maybe that's not how you would say it. Cause that that's pretty, that's kind of like a scripted response, but you're like, Hey, do you know, what can we just I'm feeling like we've not had a chance to, we say this to decompress, let's decompress and let's talk about some stuff.
[00:19:18] Okay. And instead you're saying you're Ling, is it I'm feeling this way as saying you never, right. You never talked to me. You never talk about what I want to talk about. You never let me vent. Right. And I think that's really important to set that time aside we've met like over the years when the kids were little, that was that couch time that you've heard of say in previous podcasts where we really made deliberate time to talk about our day.
[00:19:44] Not right when you came in through the door, because that's probably not the good time. No. But within a half an hour of you coming home of really taking that time to sit down and say, Hey, can we talk about right. My day, because let me tell you what kind of a day it was. Right, right. And, and I've said it [00:20:00] like that.
[00:20:00] And so all these things we have said criticism can lead to contempt oftentimes being, having a critical spirit operating in that area of criticism and being that critical person. Can actually lead to open up the door to other different types of poisons that will eventually can lead to divorce.
[00:20:19] Well, that's right. And so when your I'm pretty sure that we had mentioned like this trust cycle where there's, there's an issue, I'm voicing that issue. You're hearing my concern or you're hearing my complaint and then you're fulfilling that need at the same thing goes here. When we're talking about.
[00:20:37] Criticism. And the, now we're talking about contempt, that same thing, when you stop blaming your suppose, you never do this, you always do this and start saying, Hey, I'm feeling left out. You know, I, I, I just got home and you know, you're out with the guys already or whatever of tape making it personal. Yup.
[00:20:57] Yup. And so the next one is contempt. [00:21:00] And the second one, the poison that we want to talk about is contempt. When we are communicating in a place of contempt we treat others with disrespect. We can mock them sarcastic sarcasm. Well, there's a, there's that, that line of sarcasm. Funny. And then sarcasm, you were just being a jerk.
[00:21:17] You can tell the difference when someone's being sarcastic, where it's pointed at you funny, and it's an, and then an underhanded insult. We can mock them with that sarcasm. We can ridicule them. We call them names. We, I think the hours we mimic them in like, you know how a kid does doing Amy and then the kid does it back to you as you, don't you say that to me in that tone?
[00:21:39] And then they say it back to you in that exact same, Tim. The body language are rolling off. You can't see the eye rolls cause it's a podcast. Well, I'm really my eyes right now. Yeah. Yeah. Just, yeah, you can just Natalie's eyes. They roll up really well. But the whole purpose of contempt, if you've gone from that critical, critical state into contempt, is it is to feel, [00:22:00] you feel worthless, that you have less than you ended to offer.
[00:22:02] You have no value. Yeah. The victim does. But the perpetrators certainly feel so superior. Yeah, absolutely. And it goes, contempt goes a long ways past criticism again, criticism attacks to care. So it's almost like a self righteous. Yep. And it's a, it's a moral superiority or a superior. It's almost like if you have contempt, you have a superior already complex.
[00:22:26] You see this a lot with exceptionally wealthy people. When you watch them on the news or you watch like celebrities that have never known. Struggle like being poor or not having any money or not having access to whatever they want whenever they want. You oftentimes see almost like a contempt in them because they, they truly feel that they're superior to other people and that's an extreme case, but in a relationship you could have superiority issue because I'm the alpha male in the house, or I make the most money or I drive a nicer car than you do, or I'm a better cook or I cleaned the [00:23:00] house better than you do.
[00:23:01] Right. And it's so easy if your needs aren't being met. It's easy then to pick that one. And I, I held this over your head because I went to college and you did not. And so I had like, I would throw that, but that was bred into you by your family, your family really struggled with true, but I still made the choice to, to hold that.
[00:23:21] Noose around your neck. And I used it one ever. It suited me. I love the Guttman institutes example of, of this year because I was reading it. I laughed out loud because it said this to me. It I legit said this almost word for word to him, and I'm going to read it to you now. So here is contempt, your tired Crimea river.
[00:23:45] I've been with the kids all day, running around, like mad to keep this house going. And all you do when you come home from work is flopped down on that sofa, like a child and play those stupid video games. I didn't use idiotic. I just like those stupid video games. I don't have the [00:24:00] time nor do I want to deal with another kid.
[00:24:02] Could you be any more useless Gottman Institute used pathetic, but I'm inserting what I actually said. It's so hurtful. Well, no kidding. Reading it, reading it now. And I'm like, Ooh. You know, even in our research other than Gutman, and this is something that we've heard before, that people that are in contemptuous relationships or behave in that way there's actually signed science to show that people that have the, the stress, but this becomes a mental health thing.
[00:24:29] Like yeah. The person who's on the receiving end of someone who is filled with contempt or treating them with contempt will likely to suffer some things with infectious illnesses like colds or the flu or sicknesses, just like that, because they're, they have a weak immune system because they're stressed and they don't, they don't feel like they're worth anything.
[00:24:47] So they're not even their body is good. It's almost like their body's caving in on them as well. Super interesting science behind that if you've ever been on the receiving end of that. And I have, I've also been the giver of that, but [00:25:00] on the receiving end, I had such like queasy stomach and you know, when you're nervous or you're anxious and like all the things that happened.
[00:25:08] And I I felt sick and I felt no, like when your dad used to call us up and like, I need to have a chat with you too. Honestly, it would send me like almost in panic mode. Right. And so it, it is fueled what contempt is, is, is not often as overt or in your face as someone who's criticizing. Right. And so the, the critical spirit or the contemporary, the contemptuous, or the contempt spirit is can kind of just simmer under the surface.
[00:25:38] And it comes out of certain times you've been brooding. Yeah. And all those negative thoughts. So all those criticizing things. That, you know, cause like in our relationship it went both ways. Like I was criticizing you because I was trying to get you to change and you were criticizing for whatever your reasons were, but being on the receiving end of that criticizing I would stew.
[00:26:00] [00:26:00] So it wasn't that we even dealt with the critical, it was like art, you know how you, you what's that saying we swept it under the rug. Our rug was about 10 rugs piled on top of uninsured that was holding down a mountain of things that we know that's right. And it started to build and resentment started to build, and I couldn't like stand the look of you in the room.
[00:26:21] And do you see how this. Everything you said was filled with contempt. And I, I could read that feel that knew what was happening and vice versa. When I was coming back at you. It's interesting. The way they have them, the way that John Gottman says it this way is that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
[00:26:40] And we've coached some couples that one in one side of it, not even both, but one was the receiver of the criticism and contempt. And the other was the giver and they are not together. And so. Contempt is something that, well, it may be, you can't let it take [00:27:00] root. You can't let it take root. You need to cut it out.
[00:27:02] As if you're on the receiving end. You need to stand up to whoever that contempt bully is and deal with it face first, head on deal with it. It's going to hurt. It's going to be tired. But if you value your relationship, you value your, your marriage and you want it to work. And again, we say this all the time.
[00:27:18] We believe that almost anything can be can, you can come back for, from like, and here here's, here's a hard truth and that some people may not like this. But you can come back from adultery. We've seen it. And we've, we've, we've walked through with couples that have experienced this before you can come back from some of the worst things in a relationship.
[00:27:39] Now there is a breaking point, but what we're saying is is that if you are working in this place of criticism and contempt, this is not the end. No, it doesn't have to be no family. You hear me? This is not the end. Your relationship can be salvaged. That's right. And, and the saying that you've heard of say, you teach people how to treat you, right.
[00:27:57] And so you might today [00:28:00] might be, you might be today years old when your eyes have been opened. And you've had that enlightenment of, Hey, this is not okay. I don't like how you say that too. And I do feel like that. Okay. So then this is what sparks that conversation. And if you need to get counseling, we are advocates for getting counseling for this particular thing and being able to understand how to cope, but that teach people how to treat you, leads us into this antidote.
[00:28:27] And that's to build a culture with your partner of appreciation and respect. I also wanted to add gratefulness and, and honor you add in those, you're adding those things. You're grateful for your spouse. You're going to honor them. And because you're doing those things, you appreciate who they are, what they're doing and you respect them for what they, what they bring to their relationship.
[00:28:49] And it's not just. Well, you bring good laundry care. You mean that you care for my soul. You care for my heart and you care for who I am. Appreciation goes a long way. It's kind of like one of those things. Have you ever hung out with a negative Nelly? And if your [00:29:00] name is Nellie, I do apologize. I'm not talking about, Oh, okay.
[00:29:03] Either way. We're not singling anyone else. Right. But when someone's negative all of the time and you're hanging out with them and you're like, eh, it like rubs off on you. Right. And you begin to take on those traits and that whole I knew a person actually in my life where it was just, it was nasty, nasty talking about her husband, nasty talking about the pastor nasty talking about other friends.
[00:29:28] And it was just, there was nothing ever good coming out of her mouth. And I think when you start to hang out with people like that, that's how you become, that's what you're feeding and that's, what's coming out versus being thankful. Hey, I'm thankful that my husband. Goes to work faithfully every single day.
[00:29:46] I am thankful when you begin your day, even though there might be things that your, your partner's kind of lax like are messing up. I guess they're not perfect. I think coming at it from that [00:30:00] place of, I appreciate and choosing to focus on the things that they're doing. And if you're building that into a place where you are regularly expressing affection, like one thing that Natalie and I do is I'll never go a day without saying, I love you.
[00:30:14] Yeah, we just don't want to, I don't want to leave the house. And the last thing she said to me was you didn't brush your teeth instead of, I love you or whatever it was. But if you regularly, you build into your relationship, you build that culture. You build a culture of honor of respect, of appreciation.
[00:30:31] Yeah. Of gratefulness of an affection. If you do that, you create a positive direction, a positive purpose, a positive force in your relationship that is going to act as a buffer. For anything negative that can come in because realistically, again, there's science to show happy people and grateful people and appreciative people, people that live in that, that kind of culture have healthier, happier lives than those who don't.
[00:30:57] And so what happens is when the more positive that [00:31:00] you feel, the less likely you are going to be able to feel or express said contempt and one negative. Comment takes seven positive comments to counter that one negative. Yep. So just sit there for a minute that it's so easy for us to believe the negative, instead of the positive about herself, the power of words is so important to understand, right?
[00:31:27] Like I'm a pretty confident dude. Like I I'm confident in myself, I'm fairly confident in my abilities, but there's been times as someone has said something to me, that's taken me weeks. To, to, to process not to get over, I can get overstepped, but to process and like have to hear other things. No, no, you did like, you know what I mean?
[00:31:45] Like have the right words w insert the right words. What are the positive, you're the positive words you need to reinforce that one thing that someone said, just pen passing conversation. That's right. And I feel like the more that you can focus on encouraging your partner. And, and [00:32:00] not just focusing on the stuff they're doing wrong when it comes time to have these kinds of conversations, if what's coming out of your mouth is for the majority of the time, it's like, Hey, you know, okay, well, he didn't do this or that, but Hey, he did this.
[00:32:16] And so thank you so much for doing that when it comes time to be like let's give the example. And then yeah. But how hard is that to do? It's very hard, right? Like, honestly it is very hard. But if you're in a culture, you've built a culture and your relationship with your wife where it's honor respect, gratefulness.
[00:32:34] Yeah, I appreciate you. Right? We have to, you have to retrain your, your, your relationship. You have to retrain how you approach each other. And we had a lot of retraining big time. So contempt says this, you forgot to load the dishwasher again. Ugh. You're so lazy. And then I roll. I've said this. Yeah. Yes you have.
[00:32:56] That's kind of, I can repeat it so well. Right. And you know, it verbatim, you didn't even have [00:33:00] to read the words, but the antidote to this is I understand that you've been busy lately, or however you want to say, could you just take a minute and remember to please load the dishwasher? And when it, when I work late, I'd really, really appreciate that.
[00:33:13] Like, For us it's dinner, Natalie sometimes has to work this weird shift from five until seven. Cause he's a vocal coach. And so sometimes not even all the time, cause sometimes I'm still working, but those times that I'm not I'll I'll come home and make a dinner for her or vice versa when I'm working late.
[00:33:28] But it's just a, can you please do this for me? Or can you get groceries? I don't have time tomorrow morning. Can please remember. I need snacks for us in the kids even just last, this last week. Right. But instead of saying, you suck, you remember when that one time I said this one thing to you and how can you not remember now?
[00:33:44] Exactly. And I've said that to you. This, this is all too personal here, these poisons that we're talking about, but see that antidote works so much better because. Your expressing and understanding right off the bat. You're not coming at it from a place of attack. Yeah, because you're [00:34:00] not again, we're removing the you language or the, the, I N you never, you never do this.
[00:34:05] You always you're removing that and saying, look, this is. It did, this would really be helpful for me. Could you please help me out with this? That's right. And it ends with a respectful request, but it's also not even in, it's not just in the language. It's also in the Tom plays a huge part in your face. My face says it all, which is, you know, good and not so good, but her face will, will, even if she's saying sometimes nicely.
[00:34:34]When she's already been pushed to that point, because I'm a challenger and I challenge things, but when she's been pushed to this particular break, her eyes are saying many things and her face is saying things, but the tone that's coming out is different than when her eyes in her face are saying, yeah, there's a lot of lip compressions.
[00:34:50] And if you don't know what that is, that's when you like, press your lips together really tightly because you're biting back. All the fighting words [00:35:00] and sometimes he's successful and other times not so much, but it's so important when you're, when you're having a respectful conversation that you're ending with appreciation.
[00:35:10] Right. And so. The antidote is to treat each other with, again, the culture of honor, culture of respect, culture of appreciation, a culture of gratefulness, and it takes time and you can retrain cause Hey, I restrained myself. I still sometimes sock. And the thing is, is that I'm not one for just giving away compliments.
[00:35:32] You know what I mean? And so that, that's something that I had to learn as that. My team that I work with at church has said to me before that, when you say good job, you're like, that's like high praise. And I'm like, what a sworn I gave you more than that before, but I've had to actively. To, to work in my relationship with my kids as well, because I have different personality kids, one will come to me and I'll be like, Hey man, that was really good.
[00:35:57] And that will like feed him for a month. The other [00:36:00] one needs a bit more affirmation regularly and we're still working out when my daughter she's kind of an in-between you're right there. Yeah. Right. Well, and it's just like that love language. Right. And words of affirmation is not. On our top of love languages.
[00:36:12] And so for me, but that doesn't mean that I don't need no. And that's the thing, is that just because it's not on a list that you took the five love, language tests that all of a sudden, that's not a thing that you need. I want to know that I'm doing a good job, even though I don't need that to fuel me doing a good job.
[00:36:28] Right. I like to know that I'm all right. I'm I'm on par here. Okay. I didn't suck this week. All is going well. It's so good today. But it, it's not a, you're not coming. You're coming from a place of respect. I think that if anything, the antidote for even criticism, the antidote for contempt, even the antidote for some of these other ones that we're going to get into, part of the antidote is just treating other person.
[00:36:53] Like they're like a person, they have feelings and they have valued and they're valued and they have ideas. If [00:37:00] you do that, oftentimes when you're behaving out of a place of contempt and of being criticism, it's all about you. Yeah. It's all about how you're feeling in the moment. It's not about the other person.
[00:37:10] Right? And so we want you to come at your spouse or your significant other, your fiance boyfriend, girlfriend with a an attitude of respect and attitude. So just to clarify, or to wrap up a critical or criticism spirit, the antidote is a gentle startup, right? Not. You this and you that, but rather I feel this, okay.
[00:37:33] No, the fingers pointing, you're just starting up gentle. That's like how the Guttman and stoop puts it that way. It's a gentle startup. And with contempt, your antidote is building a culture of honor and respect. And I think that should be the very foundation that one is building a relationship upon. And it's surprising how often that's not the foundation that, that people have in their relationships.
[00:37:54] Right? Sometimes it takes a little while to realize, I mean, we had to, we had to loop around that mountain. And then we came back [00:38:00] and we're like, okay, we have to start from the ground up. And so it starts at a, at a place, a basis of honor and respect, right? Absolutely. So we have a few more poisons that we want to go through along with, we want to give you the, the, what can happen and what's going to happen.
[00:38:16] If you apply the antidotes. I like the antidotes to the poison. So, if you have been enjoying our podcast, as we know you have, because you guys have been downloading and you've been listening and sharing. Oh man, that means so, so much to us. Just let let people know about us. We appreciate that. You can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook.
[00:38:34] And you hear us say this all the time. We'd love to hear from you. If you have a topic or a question or anything you would like us to discuss, here's what I want to do. If you send me through our website, we have a voicemail option on the bottom, right? If you send me a voicemail through the website, we will take that.
[00:38:51] And we will answer ask that question in a bonus episode, we're going to do a question and an answer from people from you are amplified. Marriage listeners. [00:39:00] You send me a voicemail. You sent me an email. You send that to us. We're going to do a bonus episode of question and answer specific. It could be on any topic relating to relationships and marriage or anything like that.
[00:39:11] And we will do our best to answer that. Have an amazing bonus episode, but start sending those questions in and we'll do that in the next a month coming up. That's right. And you can send us an firstname.lastname@example.org. And as you hear us say, even if you are struggling with criticism with contempt, yes.
[00:39:29] You heard us say all the time, we believe that marriage can be reset, right. And restored you so much for joining us back to you being. [00:40:00]