Nov. 10, 2020

Season 2 Ep. 1 // Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! (Communicate Series - Part 1)

Season 2 Ep. 1 // Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! (Communicate Series - Part 1)

In the season 2 opening episode. We are starting the journey of learning our communication styles, love languages and how to better communicate with our partner.

The question of the day is: Do you communicate effectively??

Below is a link to the Love Language test by Gary Chapman.

Love Language Test

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Let us know at amplifiedmarriage@gmail.com

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Transcript

Do you Communicate Effectively?

Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage today. We're talking about, do you effectively communicate?

Welcome to season two episode one of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie, I'm Bryan. We are so glad that you could listen. You can join in from wherever you are. We missed you. And we just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who's listening and sharing and downloading. 

[00:00:54] We really do appreciate it. We had no idea that once we got going on this, it would be something that a lot of people were involved in. We found out that people at our church aren't using it as a tool for their marriage life group. No pressure. It's a little, I told Bryan that while they're going to learn a lot about us and I don't know how I feel. Yeah. So they're going to look at us differently. I'd be like, okay. So we just really appreciate all the support.

[00:01:22] And, the fact that people are finding value in this that's really our goal. when people find value, that means it's helping them. And really that's all our goal is to help people in their marriage. Cause we really do believe that marriage is important and then it can be successful and you can thrive in that relationship.

[00:01:38] So we've survived marriage far too long. Now it's time to thrive. 

[00:01:42] So wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as we always say, have a seat, grab a coffee, drink a tea, get comfy as you move on to the next part of our podcast. And so what we're talking about, we have been picking apart some of these questions and some of the things that we've run into talking with couples the last few weeks is we're actually going to break down today.

[00:02:03] Love the different communication styles. So what that means is that something that Natalie and I learned, earlier on in our relationship, probably actually, when we were doing pre-marriage counselling, when was no, actually we didn't learn the love languages until years into our marriage. It probably would have helped like the things that be encouraged because where we're coming from being 19 years married.

[00:02:33] These are things that would have really helped make things a little smoother. Yeah. And I don't know about easier because marriage takes work and sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's not, but it would have really aided in clarifying some of the issues that we had in communicating. Had we known that there were different levels, the five, the five love languages really, We're going to leave a link in the show notes to go to it by Gary Chapman.

[00:03:03]We took it every time we lead a marriage group. We have everyone take it. So we know what we're speaking in for the first time in 19 years, we are the same. And what is it? Quality time. You almost forgot what that was. You've been praying for this, that we would be the same. You're like, what was mine before that you hated so many acts of service.

It was acts of service for years and I kept praying every time we did and we did, we would do this like twice a year. And that's the thing. It's not just a one and done you really, as you know if you're just newlyweds and then, you know, you're married for a little bit. It's going to change, then you add, and as you mature and as you add kids onto there, your needs change.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think ours have changed because our kids are older. My son can look after the other two. And so we actually have more free time to actually spend with each other when our kids were babies and little kids. Mine was acts of service for years. Yeah. I did a lot of laundry and a lot of dishes. 

[00:04:02] And so it's great to have quality time. And, but our, our version of quality time is totally. So the love language, it tested, this shows you, how you speak, right. Do you just want to briefly go over the five of them just in case someone's like, what is that? So the first one is quality time. It's acts of service, physical touch, physical touch, words of affirmation and receiving gifts.

[00:04:26] So those are the five things. And so when you go to the website, just follow the prompts, it would show you what to do. One thing that we'll say about this, don't do it together. Do it apart from each other answer, honestly, the way that you feel this isn't a pass or fail, or what we want you to do with this test is when you're listening to this with your spouse, maybe let's do it by yourself is realize that when you're taking and you're talking to each other, and sometimes I do things to that in my love language.

[00:04:51] Instead of in Natalie's love language. I was speaking to her in mind, instead of me speaking to her in hers, it caused a lot of frustration just cause we didn't know. Right. And so there, thus, this is something that the sidebar that we wanted to have everyone just take this test. Gary Chapman wrote it it's been good for years and years.

[00:05:11] There are four basic communication styles that people. Tend to move towards. And so one of the things that we hear a lot of time when we're coaching couples through is that we, we hear, we just don't communicate. We just can't communicate where we're not saying the same things were, or one is talking and one is listening.

[00:05:32] And so just as a, as a little bit of a story, think of it this way, Eddie and Janet are frequently getting into arguments that are always resulting in a storming off, which ones a storm off you or me. me. Yeah. I tend to just want to deal with it and move on. And like, this is not set in stone. You would, if you're the man, right?

[00:05:54] Like in this case I normally, and I don't storm off per se. It's more. I need time to process, right? I process off.

[00:06:07] Is that what you're going to call you? I'm processing off, just made up a new thing. I'm processing off, away from you. Hopefully not with the bad finger coming up as you're doing it right. So Eddie storming off and giving maybe Janet or Natalie in this case, the cold shoulder, Janet just gets angrier with Eddie and nothing's getting better when he does this.

[00:06:25] And despite all the times that they talk about it, how many times she says he doesn't want to talk about anymore. She continues to have her way and push and poke and stab and prod and gets louder and gets more intense. That feels like that's amazing. It is. That feels like it's an aggressive communicator.

[00:06:41] I'm more of a stand and fight kind of guy and get louder. If you don't get me, it's not determined if he's a passive communicator or if he's a passive-aggressive communicator. And he says that he just can't handle it from Janet, that she gets so intense and feels like she just went. He just wants to get away from her.

[00:06:56] I could see that being me. Holy moly. Yes. And we're going to break this down because I think about, at any given point in 19 years, we've been. And here's the, here's the four ones that we want to talk about for the next few weeks. One it's passive, it's aggressive, it's passive-aggressive, and it's assertive and all of these have their ups and their downs.

[00:07:17] And so we're just going to here, what you want to read the first one. So the first one is a passive communicator. And we're just going to give like a little blurp, and then we'll break them down, take the test, the five love languages, and let's get into these and to these over the next few weeks. Okay.

[00:07:33] So in a nutshell, the individual avoids naming and asserting their honest needs, their wants or boundaries, and instead they defer to others or prioritize taking care of others in conflict or conversation. Maintain peace. So what you're saying is that they want to start their own opinion about something because instead of just being dominant and forcing what they think is what is the right thing, passive, they'll just build us back off.

[00:08:01] They'll just, you know, everyone has needs, but, but neglect my own needs and personalities like mine that bulldozes over those. I'm a bulldozer, we'll crush people that are passive, right. what is it characterized by passive communication can be characterized by like, they, you have poor eye contact when you're in an argument, you know, they're kind of slumped over

[00:08:23] They, again, it's the deferential treatment of others, self dismissal, self-put downs. Maybe you've seen this in the mall when you see a husband and wife talking and the husband, or maybe it's the wife of the husband. And in my case would have been the one that's loud and getting in their face and saying, this is what I want to do.

[00:08:37] This is how we're going to do it. And the wife is just maybe feeling a little bit. Like I'm making them feel small. I mean, feel small. Yep. And so then the passive communicator tends to go into that people-pleasing mode. Right. And apologize. Even though at that moment, they might not be needing to speaking softly or apologetically.

[00:08:57] And the thing about this is I think, because you are and what we call it, recovering people pleaser. Yes, I am. People with this personality. It's not that this is a bad thing that they're wanting to help other people and you maintain the peace. That's not bad. That's not bad. In the case of being overly passive, where you're so passive that you can express because the person you're with may be unhealthy, right?

[00:09:19] The goal is to be an assertive communicator. That's healthy to be healthy, healthy. Can you come here? You can be a healthy passive person because the person you're with is willing to accept the fact that yeah, maybe you're a little bit Passover. You want to maintain the peace, but because I know that about you, I'm not going to just pull you over.

[00:09:38] No, but it's also a growing opportunity for me to have. Like if between the four styles, the one I was most comfortable in and that I operated in, in the, in the longest period was assertive or, passive. so it's, you know, I know I have feelings, but your feelings matter more. So it doesn't matter what, how I'm feeling in those moments.

[00:09:59] And it's totally manipulative. Totally. It is. And so when you're saying those things, like, and I'm saying I was the one that was bullying over you, which. Right. And you're saying Bryan is trying to like, maintain the peace because I'm a jerk. Cause I'm obnoxiously overly aggressive when you're saying those things.

[00:10:18] And you're saying your feelings mean more, is it, is it because you actually believe that if I believe that your feelings matter more or you're just doing it because you're just like, I don't want to deal with this. No, we'll dismiss. Right. And I fully know what I'm doing. Cool. changes everything, doesn't it?

[00:10:36] Right. And that's the thing, like, I'm aware that that's my main, you know what you know? Yeah. Right. Or you don't know what you don't know. And so I know that about myself. And so it's a tactic that I have tried to use in the past, to get a different result. And so by then playing the victim in the conversation, You know, will that give me the results that I want?

[00:11:02] Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And so, no, I know I have feelings and I know that I have thoughts and opinions and my needs matter. I know that, but, it's this sort of twisted way of manipulating the conversation to get the desired result. Gotcha. Right. So it's not healthy whatsoever. There is no healthy passive.

[00:11:26] Communicator at all healthy, assertive, where I'm able to in a healthy dialogue express the need that I have maintained eye contact. And then go from there with, without falling into that trap of, well, your needs you're right. Your needs matter. And I'm just going to stop talking because why do I even bother?

[00:11:50] It's not like anybody listens to me anyway. Yeah. Do you see how it turns from, I mean, there's wisdom and learning when to keep your mouth shut, right? That's not what we're talking about though. There's wisdom and not just flopping the gums, right. For every situation and needing to assert Europe yourself in every situation, there's wisdom and knowing when to keep your nasty comments to yourself.

[00:12:12] Right. it's a learned thing, right? So that's not being passive when you're choosing to keep nasty things. Right. So those sounds, I hope that clarifies it does the first one we're going to, we're going to dig in because I think I said at the beginning being passive, I think is okay. And you're saying that it isn't no, I don't think being passive is okay at all being a healthy, assertive personality.

[00:12:33] So the first one is passive. Yep. And I'm the most comfortable. In that one, describing that, because that is how I lived for a long time. Yeah. The next one is aggressive and aggressive communication type is they're characterized by a person expressing their needs, wants, and opinions and rights. That's, that's a key one writes in a way that crosses boundaries with others are of the others that they're communicating.

[00:12:57] Yep. Right. And I can tell you very much for sure. I was an overly aggressive communication type. Right. I know people in my life that are part of my family that are overly aggressive communication types, like aggressive types. Right. And then that in combination with a passive person, I mean, you're never going to get anywhere.

[00:13:16] No, it's just, you're just bouncing things off. And even what it says is like aggressive communication. It can be, is by interrupting others, having a low frustration level, like someone talks to you and you're like, oh, I'm done. Yeah, like immediately you're done. Your attack is dismissive. Your tech response is threatened.

[00:13:32] You're near the call. It like puffing up of the chest and you're striding around leaving the place of conversation sneering or having a spontaneous outburst loudly over the other person. That's aggressive stuff. And your opinions as expressed as fact opinion is not fact right. The facts don't care about your feelings.

[00:13:52] Right. And so I, yeah, just like even when we talked, I was preaching a message about that. an outburst, I hadn't been raining. I was being overly aggressive and I wasn't, I was just thinking that how I felt was the right way. And this is me having a 15-year-old son, me being, Like married for 19 years being a leader.

[00:14:12] And my temper got the best of me at that moment and I had to apologize, but I was all over the fact that I was right and my feelings are right. And it was like, I was justified in what I was saying, but how I said it was really bad. And I was doing a few of these things, pointing figures expressed as fact, like that matters then all of those things.

[00:14:29] And so Danny Silk has a book. Called, keep your love on, I highly suggest if you've not read it to read it. And it talks about connection, communication, and boundaries. Right. And so he likens an aggressive communicator to a T-Rex. Right, right. yeah, which I think is so fitting and he also, I think it was Danny silk that connected the passive communicator to a goat.

[00:14:55] Right. I think it was a goat, a T-Rex and a chocolate-covered dragon. I love that phrase for a passive-aggressive communicator because they really are a chocolate cover. Dragons are super sweet on the outside, and then you get them behind closed doors or you corner them. So, which leads us to our next one.

[00:15:13] It's passive, you're aggressive. The next communication style that we're gonna be talking about in the next few months is your passive aggression. And what does this mean? It means. You appear to be acting, on the surface, like you're actually appropriate. Yeah. that you're, but you're acting out and you're speaking in suddenly hostile ways that are crossing the boundaries.

[00:15:33] So on the outside it looks like you're. You're calm and cool and collected. And you're saying all the right surface, but behind closed doors and underneath, you're actually saying things that are just ripping people apart. You're not dealing directly with any issues. You're actually avoiding it. You're not talking about it instead.

[00:15:50] You're actually trying to gather other people around you to be offended with you in that situation. What does that Kevin Darrell he's a pastor in the United States. He says, he says, Being offended is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And those people that are offended, especially even in a relationship will try and find friends to set.

[00:16:08] And this is what a passive-aggressive personality will try to do. The whole purpose is to control or manipulate the situation without directly dealing. With the object of their resentment and frustration. So it's this roundabout way. And I think if, if we all dig deep, maybe you are this type of a communicator and, and all hope is not lost if this is where you fall, but we definitely know people.

[00:16:32] In each of these styles of communicating. And so it's characterized like criticism, "you" statement, you made me feel like, kind of like you, your statements, but also like, like always like the absolute statements. You always, you never do this, right? Passive-aggressive. You take a stance of superiority.

[00:16:52] You dismiss another person's experience. There's resentment that there's a disconnect between what the person says and what they do. We always say distance creates distortion. If you are unhealthy in the way that you approach being in a relationship, and your community can communication styles. If I can say that properly, if you're struggling to communicate all you're doing by not learning how to communicate healthily is creating distortion and because you're creating distance between you and your spouse.

[00:17:21] Yeah, right. So we know that we have a passive, we have aggressive, we have passive-aggressive. Yup. The next one is assertive, assertive communication. is the one that we want to aim towards. It's a healthy way of communicating your wants and your needs. And, and I advocate for you. And your wants and needs.

[00:17:43] Do you know what I mean? Like advocating that's right. And it's an open, honest conversation. We're not blaming, we're not twisting the conversation. We're not manipulative. We're talking in a respectful tone. yelling or rolling. We're not crossing pointing fingers. We're not crossing each other's boundaries or showing each other honesty and grace and a willingness to change.

[00:18:08] And the teachability and the passive-aggressive uses you statements and an assertive communicator uses I statement. I feel, I feel challenged or I feel hurt not. You make me feel, even if you're listening to this. I want you to think about, I think back to your last discussion that you had with your spouse, the last big argument, actually, let's go, let's go with the last big argument you had with your spouse.

[00:18:35] Was it filled with you never, you always. Those kinds of statements or does it feel, and you were having the conversation with, like, I feel this doesn't mean that when you say, or I say to you, I feel like you just don't hear me that I'm, you're not going to maybe be hurt by that, but the fact that you're saying it, and it's like, I feel like this is what happened and, and you're making it yep.

[00:18:57] For that argument open. It's not even you're making space. I think at that point for a discussion for a proper discussion, instead of just yelling back and forth, right. and the whole purpose is to explore solutions to right. Right. How many different things we tried to communicate with each other, so many different tactics.

[00:19:17]and this one, I mean, obviously this is why right? Absolutely. And so, I mean, it is. When you're assertive and you're healthy, assertive, you're communicating clearly. That's right. You're communicating your needs and your wants right. Clearly and effectively. Then here's the question. And then I'm going to ask all you listeners that are out there today.

[00:19:39] Are you communicating effectively? And so here's the question I want to ask you. Why is communication in marriage? So challenging? I think there are a few reasons, our, like how we were raised, right. Our upbringing, I think really sort of sets us up for modelling the kind of communication that our parents.

[00:20:06] Demonstrated, I guess would be a good way. It's really, where are you going to get? Where are you going to learn that? Because it is a learned skill. Yeah. on how to, you know, conflict resolve healthily, how do you problem solve? How do you get to the point where you can communicate what your problem is without manipulating or without talking in circles?

[00:20:25] Right? Like you have to learn these skills. So I think it's hard because it is a learned skill. So depending on your childhood upbringing, I mean, I said earlier, you don't know what you don't know. And, if you're, if you're mimicking, An unhealthy way of doing something then you're just, you're not bettering your situation.

[00:20:48] You're just repeating unhealthy patterns. So, one thing that you've heard us say before in the podcast is that what we're we're sharing with you are. Foundations. These are good communication. If you know what your style is if you know if you begin to understand, take the test and then follow us for the next few weeks as we break these through.

[00:21:08] But if you know what your communication style is and how you communicate, you actually are in a better position to be able to change that communication style. Not because you're changing for your spouse because you're changing for you because now you understand. And the other thing that we always say is that sometimes what you said, like, how do I say.

[00:21:26] You grew up a certain way. You learned a certain way, it was modelled to you a certain way. Right? So the things that should become that should be your normal are your exception. So if you're struggling in communication, And you have one day or one week of really good communication. And then you revert back to just the horrible way this, because that the, your normal is the wrong way to communicate.

[00:21:51] You can change that communication style. So where that one week that you had was like the best communication you and your spouse ever had. You want that you desire that you learn what your style is, and you're willing to be teachable to change, but you have to be open because you know when stuff like this is so easy to look.

[00:22:07] Across, like I'm sitting across the table from you. It's easy to look across and just be like, like, you need to read this. And I've done that when I was reading those, all those books and things like that years ago, where it was like, I would underline and highlight things that I felt you needed to know to improve yourself, but it was never about me.

[00:22:26] It was always about trying to fix you. Right. So if you're, if you're willing to be open and honest about yourself, you know yourself better than your spouse does. Yeah. then I think that there's, the catalyst for change is, is having that open and honest conversation. And if you are one of those unhealthy, communication styles, don't beat yourself up over it.

[00:22:49] Yeah. Don't let that, don't let that be a, I guess this is just how I am, right? There's the passive, I guess that would be the passive-aggressive, but it's just how I'm going to be holding it. Like you going to change. Yours is definitely a passive communicator, but there's always, it's never too late. Yeah.

[00:23:11] And even one of the thoughts I had is is it possible to improve? Well, absolutely. It is. Yeah. Even what we're saying is that we believe that communication is a learned thing. You said it already, you don't know what you don't know. If you don't know how to communicate better. Then you're only going to communicate in what, you know, how, but the moment someone teaches you how to communicate better, whether it be a coach like a marriage coach or a counsellor, or one of your friends or your boss, the moment that you learned something new, now it's up to you to be like, Hey, that way.

[00:23:40] That's right. And it takes practice. Like we say, like, we want that to be our default setting. Yeah. Where it's effortless. I don't know how to think about it. Yeah. there are times I'll be like, Nope, that's not how I think. And I've had to catch myself mid whatever. It'd be like, that's a really passive way of communicating that that's not how I'm doing this.

[00:23:59] I assert like, and talk myself through the process. and I have done that and I still do that so that I don't fall back into. Old patterns. It's not to say that you won't once in a while like you got to show yourself grace for, and your spouse has to be, for sure we're on a journey together, but I think acknowledging and being able to recognize when I'm operating out of that place of passive, communication or whichever when you happen to fall in.

[00:24:27] Yeah, absolutely. And like, there are three things. Why is communication so hard? We know, we know that it's just a challenge. Why? Yeah. Can you actually be a better communicator? If you're willing to know something new and to learn something new, you can be a better communicator. And it is very, very important that you're a good communicator in your marriage.

[00:24:45] It allows even what we were saying before the process to work between you, you're doing it healthily. You're communicating with each other and we're, I mean, You may be listening to this and not have kids or, your kids have grown and then you're sort of that voice of influence, and your grandkids or, or whatever it might be, or your net and an uncle.

[00:25:07] And you're the voice of influence to your nieces and nephews somewhere. Somebody's looking at you. And so for us, for our children, it was a no-brainer where the way we were communicating was not working. And so we want to model healthy behaviours and healthy ways of communicating so that we set our children up for the best success.

[00:25:27] That does not mean that we're perfect. But then that's an opportunity for them to see us resolve conflict in a healthy way. And I think, something just as a side thought that I had is that we coached a couple for quite a long time and he would always ask, how can, you know, what do I need to do now?

[00:25:46] What I always say, man, you gotta be accountable for you and accountable for the things that you say, the things that you do. Oh, and then, well, I'm, I'm changing or I'm trying these things, but I never see her doing anything. And it's not about your spouse. Really? You have to be wanting to change on the inside, but no, this there's going to be little wins and little victories and little losses.

[00:26:05] There's going to be big wins and there's going to be big losses. Yeah. But what you can expect is that I've been doing this for a month and I'm not seeing any changes and we've been married for 19 years. There are some things I'm, ACEing now. And there are some things I'm still blowing. Right. And there are some things that, I'm like, I'm better at, and you can actually see a visible change six months ago, because I'm like, Ooh, I just probably work on this one.

[00:26:26] Right. marriage is a marathon. Marriage is not a sprint. Right. And I think a lot of times, and maybe it's just the culture that we live in this fast-food society where we just want it, we just pull up, we put our coins and we, we want it. Now teach me how to communicate this app is going to the right. And, and yes, I mean, they can give you all the tools in the world, but you then have to use the tool, right.

[00:26:51] Right. So it takes work. So you go from, you don't know what you don't know. You do know you need to change because now, you know, right. Like you can't hide behind that. You know what? We're so excited. So like season two, episode one, if you're new, I don't think we've even introduced ourselves. I'm Natalie I'm Bryan.

[00:27:10] But we are excited for the next months to be able to roll into exactly what the future is going to look like and what it's going to hold. We do know that the next four or five weeks of communication, as we break these things down, Tamar part, you may be listening and be like, Oh, that's not me. Listen to it anyway.

[00:27:28] Maybe it'll help someone that, you know, but if we pinpoint what you're saying, you have just a question that we weren't able to touch on. Send us an email, send us a message on Facebook or Instagram. We'd love to chat with you. And if you do like this podcast and you are excited that we're back, it does mean a lot to us and you share it and you let people know about the amplified married podcast.

[00:27:47] You can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook. If there is a topic or a question or anything like that, you always say you want to know about it, and you want us to discuss email us. Amplified marriage@gmail.com. And you've heard us say many, many times. We believe that marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged.

[00:28:06] Thanks so much for this now.